Jacob Eliosoff

(This page is from 1999.  As of 2005 I have a newer page.) 

	You can hit me with a stick
	Slice me, stir me, pour me thick
	You can smash me with a brick
	I will welcome your big fist

	You can kick me iron shod
	Cut my head off while I nod
	Fry me with a cattle prod
	Tell me all the men you've kissed

	You can bop me on the nut
	You can knife me in the gut
	Wrench your blade inside me but
	Don't smile at me while you twist

The Short Version

         Born in 1974 in Vancouver, BC, to Ronald (doctor) and Janice (artist), oldest of four sons (others being Jeremy, Tom, and Daniel). Grew up in Montreal (okay, Westmount) spending a lot of time reading Hardy Boys books, looking for snakes, and viciously competing for marks in school. Showed early talents for math and procrastination, the former of which would fade. Started high school at Lower Canada College, a strict private school for boys.
         In 1990, family moved to Toronto, where I continued high school at University of Toronto Schools, a liberal co-ed private school. Stopped competing for marks; did not start competing for girls, but initiated longstanding love/hate relationships with philosophy, late night radio, and tofu. Graduated with reasonably good marks in 1993 due to fierce grade inflation and proceeded to McGill University back in Montreal.
         At McGill puttered about for a while in various departments as years of laziness and disorganization came to a full blossom, culminating in several failed courses and a near escape with a BA in computer science in 1997. Then spent a year gainfully employed in command of a computer at Hutchison Avenue Software, where I developed several more love/hate relationships, including capitalism, early morning radio, and (of course) computers. The latest twist has taken me back to McGill to pursue an MSc in my usual half-assed way.


The Brothers

         Plenty of news lately on this front. Having recently screwed himself by yet again giving the greatest Christmas presents in the world (I got a beautifully drawn comic strip about me buying a falafel!), thus raising the ever-increasing expectations for next year, Jeremy (21) is working and getting rained on in Vancouver, effortlessly maintaining his superbly toned tree-planter's physique and preparing for his upcoming year at the University of Melbourne. After that he hopes to spend some time meandering about the eastern hemisphere doing young traveler things. At some point he may even make some money and be able to afford proper manufactured presents for next year; we hope not.
         Meanwhile, Tom (19) is still doing jazz at the University of Toronto, spending time with his girlfriend Lydia and grumbling (with my encouragement) about all the little collective psychoses that make Toronto such a great place to leave. Rumors of a move to Montreal remain unconfirmed, but if we ever unearth any suspicious McGill tuition slips in a garbage can somewhere readers of this page will be the first to know. In another interesting side note, the habitually down-to-earth jazzbo has apparently been attending and enjoying a class on Taoism. But a recent check confirmed a reassuring absence of California-style glowing-eyed evangelism, so we're pleased to announce that the longstanding Tom Eliosoff Eyelid Pool remains open. Predict the year that Tom will finally fully open his eyelids for the first time and you could win six hundred dollars!*
         Back on the farm, Daniel (12) is gearing up for what promises to be one of the more eventful episodes in his accelerating adolescence, as he, Ron, and Janice prepare to leave the very familiar habitat of Brockville, Ontario for the unpredictable charms of suburban Louisiana. Along with the pleasures of cajun music and creole cooking, copperheads, concealed carry legislation and the Klan await our merry band of adventurers at their impending destination. Why Louisiana? The definitive reply from the elder Eliosoffs appears to be, "why not?" But the effect this drastic uprooting will have on young Daniel is especially unclear. Will he be able to capitalize on his sudden status as the best hockey player in town? Will he find peers who share his love for heavy metal drumming, and if so, will his parents succeed in bribing them to stay away? At last report Daniel was taking the mature and philosophical approach to his future, with an understandable element of curiosity. Stay tuned...
         Updates: Feb 2 '98: It seems Tom is now registered for a Tai Chi class. That's right, Tai Chi! What's next, guitar string acupuncture?... Jeremy is on mom's bad side again after "borrowing" her camera and "misplacing" it at his friend Paul's house in Montreal, but not to worry he says, because Paul will be getting it back to her (via me) "soon"... Daniel is reportedly organizing a big surprise going-away party for himself on behalf of his classmates (hush now!)... Feb 15 '98: Jeremy is in Melbourne. But before leaving he tidied up the camera question in characteristic fashion (mom found Paul's number, drove to Montreal, and picked it up)... Daniel turned 13 yesterday. Apparently he chose this occasion to declare a complete reversal of his image, from trendy label brat (Tommy Hilfiger, Burger King, blunt political apathy) to sullen anticorporate rebel (no designer labels, no fast food chains, vague anarchist leanings). Mom and I fretted: haven't we seen this somewhere before? Could he be turning into another <gasp> ME?


Some Things I've Written


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